I take a picture of my daughter every single day. Actually, that’s a lie. I take many many pictures of her every single day. And yet somehow, I don’t manage to capture the amazing truth of her. Sleepy eyes when she first opens them for the day, the sound of her giggle at bedtime, the look on her face when she wants to play in the pool. The way she bounces in her seat when she get excited for whatever snack. The way she sings. The way she relaxes into my arms when I pick her up from daycare. The way she scoots away because I’ve told her only one more song (she watches songs on my iPad before bed, while I do her hair) and she knows the song is almost over. The way she wiggles her hand in mine until she finds exactly the right spot. The myriad things that make up our every day together, and yet are so fleeting. When she was newborn, it was about the smell of the top of her head, the way she rested her head on my shoulder and preferred one side over the other. The way my arms ached when she wasn’t in them. So many things, fleeting and gone. Some of them are wisps of memory and some are lost to the ages (or the next baby, I wonder?). This afternoon I found myself wondering what I thought about before she came along. Work, ferrets, cooking, of course my husband. Going out, doing theatre, meeting up with friends. Gaming. It seems almost like it belongs to someone else, but as she’s gotten older and more independent, it is coming back, but it all seems a little bit less shiny. Besotted. That’s what I am.

Enough of the cheesy stuff for a paragraph or two! Last weekend in swimming class, she was evaluated. And she’s already being moved up from “super waterbabies” to “extreme waterbabies.” I had to ask what the difference was, because for me the biggest change has already happened; I don’t get in the water with her anymore. (I sit on the sidelines, and I have to say, that room is HOT and STICKY and GROSS when you aren’t in the water!) Well, the difference is that she will get to spend more of her time in the water, and more time using full breath control. Which is good. I’d started thinking about signing her up for 2 lessons per week just to give her a chance to get more time in the water. She’s never ready to leave by the time class is over.

She has started potty training! She wears panties to school every day, and usually comes home with only one pair in which she had an accident. Unfortunately, she remembers each one, so every time I try to offer her a choice of panties in the morning, she will choose a pair because “that one peepee!” Even when I explain to her that I’ve washed it, and there’s no peepee in them anymore, she will refuse to wear any pair of panties in which she’s had an accident. I think I might try showing her the washer full of her clothes and explain how it gets all the dirt and spills and peepee out of clothing. And I’d better do it soon because we’ve only got one or two more patterns left!

She’s also sprouting up so fast. I need to go through all her clothes and pull out everything 3T and smaller. It shouldn’t be hard, since that’s about 99% of her wardrobe. Guess she gets some new clothing!

Okay,  that’s all I have time for tonight.

This girl.

I am in awe of her every day. I don’t try to tamp it down at all because it really, really helps when she’s seriously pissing me off. She’s two. She’s frustrated and mad and figuring out exactly how little power she has, mostly by trying to see how much she has and being disappointed when she runs out. but anyway. It’s been a rollercoaster of a week. With our friend Cassandra in town, her evening routine has been completely disrupted. We’ve been getting her to bed late, but still have to get out at the same time in the morning. It’s been rough.

Last weekend was the first time since starting the super water babies (no parents in the pool with her) swimming class where she did NOT want to get out. Yay! I am counting this as a win because it means she is comfortable with her new instructor. And also because it means that Papa T. can take her swimming. Without me. And I can stay home, and luxuriate in being totally alone in my house. I’ll sleep. Or cook? Or watch tv? Maybe take a shower! Oh, the possibilities!

Potty training is progressing well. At school they are taking her to the potty every time the “big” kids go, to get in the habit. She’s been asking for panties and I’ve picked up a few pairs. I think we’ll run the current box of diapers out and then give the switch a try!

I was changing her diaper and she said, “wahn… doooo… feeee” and I waited to see if she said four. She did! Yay! I thought she might be able to count to four! But then she kept going to five. Then ten. Then 14!! Then I was so flabbergasted that I distracted her and she stopped. I was so excited! She started counting again for me… “Wahn… dooo…. feee…. footeen!” I wasn’t as excited about those counts :). But later in bed she counted to 16. She counted to 16! I’m not even kidding. I have no idea if this is normal or way above the curve or way below it, and frankly I don’t care because to me it is AWESOME.

She has also started telling me more about her body. The other day she said, “My tummy hurts” and I was able to comfort her (although I didn’t know what to do for her). She had eaten a lot of sweets and I wasn’t surprised that it hurt. I told her it was probably all the sweets, and I was sorry it hurt, and I could rub it for her if she wanted or we could just snuggle for a while. We snuggled. It seemed to help. Snuggles fix everything. I’ll be sad when that stops.

I am letting her play games on her pad, and from time to time watch some Peep and the Big Wide World. I have let her watch a couple episodes of Shaun the Sheep, too, one of which has a storyline about a baby sheep whose teddy bear gets taken inside and the other sheep go to retrieve it for him. In the beginning of the episode, right when the teddy bear goes missing, the baby sheep cries. I tell you all this to set the background, because when the baby sheep started crying J got a very concerned look on her face, and told me that, “Baby sad.” I told her that yes, the baby was sad because he was missing his teddy bear, and she responded, “When baby sad, mama come[s]! Baby happy.” I about melted right there on the spot. It makes me so deeply, totally, completely… content with my parenting choices so far. I haven’t really doubted myself (more than any mom, anyway) but I know that I fall pretty far into the gentle/attachment/hippie/whatever end of the spectrum. And if she cries, I do come. Every time I can. It makes me feel so good to think that she’s internalizing that. I asked her if her mama came when she was sad, and she said, “yeah!” and went back to the show, completely oblivious to what she had done to me.

In short. This girl.

I’ve had an introspective day. Thinking about how strange it felt to be pregnant. I was so sick at first, and so excited. The life within me was so strange and new and scary. And then when she was a newborn, everything was just fear and pain. I remember thinking after the first few days, “what am I going to do with her until the next time we’re supposed to check in with a doctor?” Then getting my PPD under control and relaxing into motherhood a little bit, then getting into the new daycare… now she’s walking and talking and expressing all kinds of opinions about things, and I’m really starting to trust myself, believe that I can generally just do this.

It started because yesterday, she pooped on the potty! A huge milestone! And she couldn’t seem to care much less. I asked her if she pooped at school (knowing full well she did, trying to work on quizzing her when I know the answer). She said she didn’t, and I said I heard she pooped in the potty! And she was just kind of like, “oh yeah. I did.” I was expecting more excitement! I said I heard it was a big poopoo! and she said, “No, little poopoo” and didn’t want to talk about it. Okay, that’s… weird but not a problem. So we moved on. I’m still excited! And anyway, while I was putting her to bed I was thinking about that interaction, and realizing that I am not going about potty training the way I’ve read you are “supposed” to. I’m not doing a sticker chart or giving her mms or ripping off the bandaid and just switching to underwear one day over a long weekend. I’m just kinda letting things progress the way they seem to be progressing. Two years ago, a year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I couldn’t do this. I spend so much time researching every aspect of everything, that it’s weird to be just doing whatever works for us, whatever we’re doing. It feels good! But also weird. I just never really got around to figuring out exactly what options there are for potty training and researching them all and choosing one. I have to say, I feel like what we’re doing is going pretty well. At school she’s starting to tell the teachers she needs to go while she’s got a diaper on. At home, we’re skipping diapers a lot of the time (but not all the time and not in any particular way… sometimes I’ll just take off her wet diaper and not put another diaper on her). We’re not putting underwear on but are letting her run around either bottomless or with her shorts/pants/skirt on. She is doing a pretty darned good job of announcing needing to go! Sometimes she has a bit of a dribble before she says, “Potty! potty! potty!” but most of the time she catches it and we all rush to the potty. The other night she was excited to be hanging out with Daddy and did have an accident, which she was upset about (way more upset than either of us!). I told her it was okay and that accidents happen, and we took off her shorts and since we were heading to the bath anyway, just went to the bath.

She’s started declaring that she’s too heavy for me to carry. Which is strange to me. I’ve never told her she’s too heavy to carry (she’s not, at least not for me) and I’ve never heard Dad say it either. I can’t figure out if they tell her that at school, or where she’s getting it. I would be fine if she said she didn’t want me to carry her, but for some reason it bothers me when I ask if she wants to walk or be carried and she says that she wants to be carried and then changes her mind because she’s too heavy. Maybe because I don’t want her to be denying herself something she wants? I mean, no she can’t have as much pudding as she wants, but I’m always happy to carry her until my arms get too tired. Or maybe she’s coming to the realization that she’s bigger than most kids her age, which is going to be something she struggles with for a long time and I want to let her live free of that struggle for as long as possible? I don’t know. The most likely explanation is that I enjoy carrying her and I’m overthinking this.

I finished the swingset and we’ve been out there so much! I love it. I love having a back yard that we can spend so much time in! We are going through bug spray like crazy though. So far this summer, I’ve been able to wear DEET as long as I wash after we come in, and baby wipes seem to be enough of a “wash.”

Parenthood is so amazing and fantastic 🙂

J has now started her Super Waterbabies class. This means that we no longer get in the water with her. I miss it! Her new teacher is male, and we’ve been struggling with it a bit. The first day, I got in the water but mostly handed her off to him a lot. When she wasn’t with him, she was mostly burying her face in my shoulder, but her love of swimming soon started to win. By the end of the class, she was smiling a little, and willing to give Mr. Thomas a high-five. The second class, I didn’t get in the water but I sat next to her along the edge of the pool. She was still hesitant, but it wasn’t too bad. So far, we haven’t had to deal with her just jumping in and assuming someone will get her, although she did accidentally fall in once last weekend. I was there before her teacher, but only by maybe half a second.

I also think the last of her molars have started moving around. Lots of cheek grabbing, complaining about pain in her mouth, and chewing on things. I’d worry it was a cavity except it’s clearly both sides and in the back, past her teeth.

I turned her car seat around. We have a Diono Pacifica in my car and the thing is just too damn big and wobbly to get secured rear-facing in my car. I wish I could keep her rear facing longer. When I stop suddenly with her in the car (which I’ve had to do a couple times, thanks Austin traffic patterns), she complains that it hurts her neck. It worries me to have her forward facing, but it worried me more to have her rear facing in that seat, which would often tip over. Anyway. She’s forward facing now, and enjoys seeing so much more. She has learned that green lights mean go and red lights mean stop. She will exclaim, “I see reh! Wahn, doo reh! TOP mama! Top!” and then when the light turns green she shouts, “DOH DOH DOH!” This morning, as I was driving her to school, I took a different route than normal and was stopped at a red light in a left turn lane. I got a green turn arrow but the rest of the lights were still red and J was very very mad at me. “NO!!!! MAMA!! REH TOP! TOP TOP!!!!!” I explained about the green arrow, but since we’d already passed under it, she couldn’t see it. When I glanced back in the mirror at her face I can only describe her expression as skeptical.

She has definitely chosen a favorite color, even though I have tried hard not to ask her about what her favorite colors/foods/etc are. It’s purple. She wants a purple house, and to drive a purple car, and sometimes a purple bus. She gets excited when she sees a purple semi (“BIHHH tuck!”) and whenever I give her the option of what color of something to get, she chooses purple. Her Nana surely approves!