The last few months have grown long indeed, with no signs of and triumph in the mama-realm. I’ve continued to push myself through school. I finally had enough of the stress at my last job and found a calmer and far less intense job that nonetheless stretches my brain. F and I have struggled through some tough financial decisions and made our peace (mostly) with Fee’s kidney problems and eventual decline. We discovered Sarah has insulinoma (this is very very bad) and are still working on finding a similar peace. In the mean time, she will be going in for some major, and rather dangerous, surgery on Wednesday. More on all of these things later, I think. Because I’m here to talk about something else very weird that’s going on.

There’s no way I can know this. There’s no way I have any kind of scientific backup. But I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant. I’m not going to know for another week and a half at least, but the night before last I started cramping uncharacteristically early. And yesterday all day I had low-level cramping and a strange feeling in my abdomen, some nausea, and most inexplicable.. I just feel it. I just FEEL like I am. It’s electrical through my whole body. I am trying to justify that feeling with a bunch of things. Cramps this bad usually don’t happen until a few hours before my period. Not that they are bad, just that they are unseasonable. And I’m not experiencing any of the other period or pre-period symptoms.  The timing is right. Am I hungry more than usual? Is it just hope that makes me tingle?

But there’s no way to know for sure yet, and wishful thinking has gotten me into trouble before. I can’t get pregnant by simply wanting it enough. So I’m not mentioning it to anyone yet. If it turns out I’m wrong, the dreadful silence of this blog will continue. How embarrassing to name a thing after a future event that turns out to be far less certain than I thought.

It’s gonna be a long couple weeks.